I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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