were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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