Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
someone owes me an orgasm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
