If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
