It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
