Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize