Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
