She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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