did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
