Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
