he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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