Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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