I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
