im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
where are you?
Hypothermia
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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