you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just gargled with NyQuil
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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