it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
