Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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