You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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