WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
