I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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