I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
