I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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