Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
