he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
