Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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