Betty ford says i'm here all night
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
