Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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