You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
They took my balls.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
