ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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