I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
