Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
