hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
