she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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