The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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