I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Panties = found
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
