You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
