Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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