I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
