Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
