Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
