why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
