i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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