I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
