I can text with my tongue
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
