just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
