Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
