My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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