I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
