I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
