apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
