I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
