I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize