Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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