and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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