Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
