I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
And then he peed in my hair
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