hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize