So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
